I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
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Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
Otters see a butterfly.
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.