My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
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Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
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*What time is it?~How my send button should function