I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
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Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.