Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
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just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
Beards are a privilege, not a right
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby