*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
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Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
Buying a well is money well spent.
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
shampoo implies shampee
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator