Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
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Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
[First Date]
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
[Second Date]
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store