*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
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bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back