I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
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Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me