It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
You Might Also Like
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
He is just living hist best little life 😊