super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
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If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
Schrödinger’s cookie
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
I have a type: disappointing
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
How to woo a woman
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*