I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
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To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.