My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
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Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
Have kids, they said
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
A dad and his duck
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??