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there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.
0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snackSnacks are ALWAYS the answer
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to