You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
You Might Also Like
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
Huge, if true.
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product