So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
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half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Emperor: What, someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.