Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
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I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie