Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
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“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
[Zombie Apocalypse]
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: KMascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese*dies*
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.