*jazz hands*
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My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.