[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
You Might Also Like
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
馃寭馃寧馃尀 <– lunar eclipse
馃寧馃寭馃尀 <– solar eclipse
馃寧馃尀馃寳 <– apocalypse
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
oh my gosh!!
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He鈥檚 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
I鈥檓 not saying I know how to solve all the world鈥檚 problems.
I鈥檓 just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 馃榾
Helpful tip: Don鈥檛 write out your grocery list while watching a true crime documentary on a husband-murdering wife, or your husband might think you’re taking notes when he walks into the room.
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I鈥檒l take the booth then
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira鈥檚 hips: YES!
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.