I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
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WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.