I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
You Might Also Like
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
No laws when master is gone
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
this is supposed to be an 18 year old