Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:
Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.
Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.
Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking
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I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven
me: mean witch! but cunning
gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven
me: the chess game continues. Genius
witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate
me: oh
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring