JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
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(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
[being murdered]
Me: omg barry? from high school?
Barry: no way {stab} dave?
Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?
Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now
Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
My in-laws visited today.
FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.
My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?
I love my son.
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.