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I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.
[later at the dinner party]
ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
Where’s my employee discount too?
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*