Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
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Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..