It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
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Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.
Me: And…the other thing?
Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?
Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*
CS: 683648AC4712.
Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!
CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?Me: No thanks *click*
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you