Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
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Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
“you shouldn’t let your cat jump on the counter” my cat could take out a loan in my name if he wanted to
I am laughing way too hard at this.
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it