The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
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Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
The Onion called it…again.
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.