Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
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grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
Make new friends? bro out of what?
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
Jail
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this