*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
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the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
me: there’s a bunch of cars following us
date: yes we’re on a rollercoaster
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
“The Perfect Relationship”
🙋♀️
[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
the official breakfast of 2021
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.