I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
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Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!