*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
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An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
Me My dog
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.