Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.
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I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;