Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
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I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
worst…sale…ever
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah