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15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
i did the math
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.