I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
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I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
why would tinder want me to say this
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.