My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
You Might Also Like
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
Calling them ‘orcas who capsize boats’ is fine, but I just feel calling them Keeler Whales would be so much better
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
Just grow your own
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.