[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
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1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*