Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
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This kid will have a bright future.
Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give