If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
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What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
🤣😈🤣
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.