The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
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Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
Me too, bag. Me too….
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
You can arrest protesters. You can take away their first amendment rights. You can even expel them. But you still can’t make a college commencement ceremony fun.
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.