That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
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Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
The happy life.. 😊
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.