Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
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Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears
Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot
Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
😅🤣😂
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
That stupid look on my face, is my face
As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one