When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
You Might Also Like
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*