My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
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Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.
I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*