Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
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When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
Nice try, poison.
I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”