Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
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*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
Its true…
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
his wife is probably gonna see that
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
What personal space?
My dog