She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
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Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.