One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
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Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
You know I’m something of a chef myself
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.