Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍
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Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
Oh no
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..